Discipline

When you hear the word discipline what comes to mind? Does the word have a positive or negative feel to it?

I rarely have needed an accountability partner because I have always been the type of person once I set my mind to do something I do it. I have a rare strong will which has helped me become the person I am today and has also hindered me from growing. The summer after I graduated high school I got into a relationship with a 23-year-old and I was just barely 18. This person graduated from college and I did not understand what I was doing with my life. The relationship should of never happened, but it did and he broke up with me on New Year Eve. I spent that evening at a friend’s house flirting with a guy who I liked but we both agreed to being friends. I knew I had a problem, and it needed to change. That night I decided I would take the next year to not allow myself to “date” or even like someone. I know it seems extreme, but I was a girl who needed a guy in her life. I have dated multiple guys since I was in seventh grade. It obsessed me, and I just wanted a guy to love me. I always went after the wrong type of guys which caused me to get my heart broken over and over. I can’t remember when I realized that I needed to change my “type” if I ever wanted to be in a real relationship. Then again I was a teenager what did I know about love?

close up of padlocks hanging on heart shape
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Ok, I am getting away from my real point. That year went by super quickly and it was amazing. The thing is, I told no one what I was doing. I honestly had no one close in my life to share this information. I did not have sex until marriage but because of certain people who knew what I have done in the past and another person who spread lies about me. People just assumed I would do anything in a relationship. I think that is partly why the 23-year-old started to date me because he believed I would give in and have sex with him. Now mind you I decided after kissing a 14-year-old when I was 17 that I would change my ways and stop doing the same destructive things I have done in my previous relationships. I was changing as a person but those around me didn’t take the time to know me. Going back to the year of not dating or even allowing myself to like someone. It may sound crazy how can you not allow yourself to like someone? I just stopped myself from going down that rabbit hole. If I found someone attractive, I would stop it and I put up boundaries.

close up photo of padlock hanging on chain link fence
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The only time during that year I struggled was literary a year later at a New Year Eve gathering and I had an overwhelming feeling for a guy who I have known for years and has NEVER been attractive too. I battle myself it was weird but before midnight the strong feeling went away and I felt I won a battle that was going on inside my head. I dated no one until 2 years after my original decision to stop dating. I allowed myself to like one person in college before the man I married. It blew up in my face but I knew I have made some progress in dating. I still had a long way to go, but I was taking steps. When I set my mind to something I did it and it’s hard to get me to change. Once upon a time this trait was one thing my husband liked about me. When I decided to get healthy, I took the steps to get healthy and when I decided to exercise I did it. I have always prided myself in being this type of person.

Now I find myself having a hard time sticking to things so I don’t set up goals. Why should I allow myself to feel a certain way when I have had great will power and now I allowed myself to give into defeat? Because of my lack of discipline I have allowed myself to fall into a mindset that is killing me. I have wasted so much time over the last month or two. I have nothing to show for my time and I have not grown. I long to be a different person but I have fallen back into old mindset and habits. There are A LOT of things in my life I have zero control over. I have control over what I do with my time and what I put in my body. I am failing at these two areas but I have decided it is time to take control of these areas of my life. I am not working on both areas but how I spend my time is what I’m working towards right now. I have decided it times to break some destructive behaviors and break away from my current addiction. I know we need outlets that help us unwind, but when those things control your life, then it is time to take a break.

A week ago I was working on my responses to other students post for an assignment for my class. I ended up staying awake until midnight and once I was done I did not go to bed. I put on a tv show as background noise as I played a few flash games on my phone. I ended up staying awake until 1 knowing I had to work in the morning and that Z would be up in a few hours for another feeding. This has been my life for a while and I am finding myself having some crazy dreams. I know that the reason is that I have allowed myself to give into an addition and have gotten caught up in watching mindless TV shows. I have fallen short on posting on my blog and have fallen behind on real cleaning. I have allowed my son to spend more time on his tablet because I have not found a balance in my life. The last thing I want is my son to live the life I have lived in so many ways. I am setting him up for failure because I lack self-discipline in certain areas of my life.

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It is time for me to implement discipline in my life and began to change some old habits. When I do something, I rarely tell anyone. I just do it and at some point I’ll share it with someone. I have cut down on media in my life. Now I know this is unrealistic to just cut it out 100% but I plan to limit it to where I will only watch something if my husband or child ask to watch something with me. I wish I could say I will NEVER watch another TV show again and since I have wasted a good portion of my life in front of a screen, I now will become one person who will not touch it again. I want to be a successful person and I want to learn new things. I know I can not do this unless I cut out these things out of my life. I have deactivated my social media accounts. I deleted apps off my phone and I even got rid of YouTube. I have downloaded apps that will allow me to have access to things I want to listen too and grow as a person. I deleted the flash games I have been playing and have set a time limit of not playing them.

I want to discover new things and branch out in other areas of my life. I am a pretty shelter person when I did not understand that flat earth theory was actually a thing. There are so many things I do not know. I am struggling in my class right now. I have a hard time keeping information and even though all the quizzes are open book I am not doing so hot on them. I am kicking myself for taking the class because the last time I was in school I busted my butt to get 4.0 both semesters. I am only doing one class and I am struggling. What is wrong with me?

Here to taking steps into becoming a better person and applying self-discipline to my life once again.

Do you find it easy to enforce discipline in your own life?
What do you need to help you stay on task?

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