Perspective and I know I am truly a blessed woman. I should be thankful that I have had many birthdays that were special and it took until this one for me to have a “bad” one.
I wish I could tell you as I sit here typing that I have not spent a few times crying today because I had no one to celebrate my birthday. I am the type of person who values birthdays and I try to go above and beyond to make other people birthday be special. On my oldest son actual birthday I had balloons waiting for him, I got him a donut; we went to Chick-Fil-A. I had gifts for him to open and I provided a cupcake with special candles. He was getting a birthday party, but I wanted his actual day to be special. I had a balloon for my youngest but since we did not want to give him sugar until his party we didn’t do much for him on the actual day.
Today was just another day and yes I know that most adults don’t really do anything for their birthday. I have always done something special even if I had to do it myself. I did not want to spend more money on going out and going to get a birthday cake by myself made me feel even worse. I hope that next year birthday will be different and I will have people in my life who want to celebrate. Now my best friend sent me a dinner as a surprise which I really appreciated because I had NO DESIRE to cook myself dinner and I think Ramons for dinner is a low point.
I have to believe that this is just a season in my life and one day it will get better. I have to accept where I am right now and accept that until choices are made I will continue to feel this way. I have to move forward. I have to believe for the best because it’s easy to fall in self-pity. I got to spend the day with my boys. I got to see the excitement of P3 face when he got a new little car. I got to watch Z stuff his face with food three different times. I got to take a walk with my boys as they laughed with one another. I got to read books to them before bed and give them kisses before bed. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and the ability to move around. I may be sad that this baby isn’t coming yet which is also a big reason I have been in a mood.
I don’t know what to expect this year but I hope things get better and I will believe that healing will take place. There is a new adventure ahead and right now I’m waiting for the baby to make any plans. I know I need to learn to be patience and stop throwing a fit in my head. I need to allow change to take place in my life and I need to focus on who I am as a person.